Bittersweet Decisions

It's been a few weeks since I've published anything on this blog.  The silence had to do with being extremely busy right now.  Both Patrick and John have hockey tryouts this week, and I have been preparing to teach in our homeschool co-op.  This year, I'm teaching Algebra 1 & 2 and Chemistry.  Beyond that, I'm also teaching group cycle classes 3 times a week.  I think it's all getting to me, though, as I feel like my adrenals are headed in the wrong direction again.  Certainly my anemia is back full-force.  I feel pretty fatigued, but this blog isn't really about me.

Hockey tryouts for John were kind of a test to see how his body would take the extra burden of strenuous physical activity on top of treatments.  Well, today, I report that we have surrendered.  John made it successfully through 2 back to back hockey tryouts, but today, he just couldn't make it.  He cannot do hockey today.

We had a heart to heart about it.  His choices were 1) keep pushing and hoping for the best and play travel hockey, which is demanding and requires 5+ hours ice time and travel to games, which can be up to 3 hours round trip twice a week... or 2) play in-house hockey locally, with 2 hours of ice time a week with minimal travel.

My son has played travel hockey every year for 6 years.  There has never been a moment he hasn't wanted to push himself.  Hockey is his escape.  It's his freedom.  His endorphins go, and he's just an athlete, a kid playing the game he loves.  The decision didn't come lightly.  He decided tonight that the most logical choice, as hard as the choice is, is to opt for #2.  He simply needs to give his body the latitude to heal.  I respect his decision, and I'm very proud of him for prioritizing his health.  But the tears still flow from my eyes.  My heart hurts for him.  I'm crushed for him.  I try to hide the tears, because I really do think this is the best decision, and I should rejoice in that.  But what happens if he still cannot heal?

This disease is one of plans.  Plan A, Plan B.. but now that I'm well beyond Plan C, I don't know what plan to for.  We have tried several doctors, several hundreds of supplements, several clinics, several diets.  Sigh.  That is all I have left right now.  Sighs and tears.

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